Do you believe you can change?
Exercising. Flossing. Coaching. Making art. Dusting. Reading. Meditating.
Can you improve habits such as these?
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self control.
How about these and other virtues? Can you grow in them?
Resolute. Affirming. Adaptive. Pioneering. Influencing. Steady. Conscientious.
What about your very personality? Can you change it?
Should you?
I’ve been thinking about these questions as I prepare to dive in to some scholarship on the ancients’ views on ethics and emotions.
Some initial thoughts, subject to change as I learn more:
Values shape personality
Contemporary philosophers and researchers contend that, yes, you can even change your personality. But there is a catch to doing it.
Whether it’s nature or nurture, some people tend to be more resolute: They naturally detach from others and question assumptions. Others tend to be more affirming: They are most comfortable affiliating with others and seeking harmony.
One is not better than the other–truth and logic are important, and people and relationships are too.
But if you, say, emphasize truth at the expense of relationships, you have a moral opportunity in front of you.
A manager who evaluates his people solely on the numbers has missed the boat–and probably wonders why he has a turnover issue.
There is nothing wrong with the manager being “truth-focused.” But as the Psalmist says, “Mercy and truth are met together.”
The manager could really grow if he added to that focus an orientation toward people. I value the virtues of love, kindness and gentleness, he might say. And the world would see him as not just resolute but also affirming.
(This is a blog about the workplace, so let me restate that: His people and colleagues would see him as more affirming. That’s a win for employee retention and engagement!)
… And stories shape values
I once gave a workshop on what we’ll call “personality differences,” taking the participants through an exercise to help them determine their own personality type. I didn’t use terms like “resolute” or “affirming,” but I did walk through some questions to help people decide if they were introverted or extraverted.
In my line of work, you learn to read audience faces. And at this point in the exercise, one young lady looked like she was in physical pain.
I asked her if she was OK.
“Well, my whole life I’ve thought I was an extravert,” she said. “But all the questions you put on the slides have me answering introvert!” It was a crisis moment.
I reminded her that the behaviors we were discussing were things we observe. There were a multitude of reasons why a person might be naturally inclined to x yet operate in the world as y.
I reminded her of another exercise we had done: writing your signature with one hand, then trying it with your off hand. Even though that doesn’t feel comfortable, you’d figure out how to do it if you needed to, I said, just to get your paycheck signed if nothing else.
It took about 5 seconds for that to process, and then her entire face relaxed:
“Wow. Well, my whole life I’ve had to be a parent to my younger siblings. I was doing all the extraverted things–talking to teachers, grocery shopping, stuff like that. But I’m actually an introvert!
“Oh, and my husband is too! We can stay home and watch movies!”
Her story had effected her identity. And the values associated with it shaped her personality.
James Clear has popularized making use of this concept in his best-seller “Atomic Habits.”
We have discussed on this blog how the very name you give something can have magical powers. As we say, “First identity, then activity.”
Your big picture helps your little picture
Are you looking to change a habit? Become more virtuous? Even develop some behavioral skills that feel like writing with your off hand–more truth with your mercy, or vice versa?
Let me encourage you to zoom in to those specific changes by zooming out.
“Stories are storage.” They are the easiest way for you to have clarity about your identity and what you want to “be about.”
My workshop participant thought through her story and realized she could let go of some behaviors and have a more fulfilling life. I wonder what story our resolute manager is telling himself that causes him to prize truth over love?
All this means it is incredibly important that the stories you tell yourself are true–and that you tell all of it!
In our discussions on habits, we provided a tool created by my colleague Mike Marshall, called the Habit Tracker (free download here). It’s a great way to develop the long-term habits we discussed at the start.
If you are willing to slow down and think through your story, your identity–and what you want it to be … you will turbocharge this entire process.
I hope this helps you make 2022 the best year yet.