I just had a phone call with my mom.
(Note to reader: If your mother is still on this earth, call her today.)
She has had people apologize to her recently, and she told me she says this to them:
I decided a while back that I just would not take anything personally or get my feelings hurt during covid. Everybody is tense, and many are isolated. And if we break relationships right now while we are isolated, it will be even worse than usual.
That is a long-term (I would argue, eternal) perspective.
Which is what leaders must have.
She echoes the latest issue of The Gideon. That’s the magazine for businessmen who put Bibles in places like hotels (I am a member).
From Jeff Pack, an M&A veteran from medical and tech industries:
I’ve often wondered why business books say so little about forgiveness. Leadership gets defined as influence, empowering others, defining reality, and casting vision. However, forgiveness is one of the most important attributes business leaders can experience.
I’ve been at organizations that talk about trust, yet their ongoing “meeting after the meetings” dissolved any notion of it. I’ve sat in book reviews from The One Minute Manager to The Five Dysfunctions of a Team talking about trust. Sometimes I couldn’t help but think some of the people in those training sessions had unresolved issues with each other. Without forgiveness, there can be no trust.
About those “meetings after the meetings.” A retired car dealer told me that, in his day, they had a rule: No fender meetings. Fender meetings are when you nod your head or stay silent when leadership outlines a plan, then go outside for a smoke, prop your leg up on a car fender, and say, “That’ll never work.”
Often we don’t speak up in meetings–formal or informal–because we don’t feel safe. In the past, retribution or deaf ears have led us to stay silent.
But what if you could move past that past? What if the relationship could be restored? It will take somebody making the first move: “I feel like you have not addressed the concerns I raised.” “I apologize for blowing up on you when you said what you did last week.”
It’s interesting to note that, in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus addresses conflict from all directions:
- If you are aware that you have sinned against someone, ask for forgiveness (chapter 5).
- If you are aware that someone has sinned against you, forgive them (chapter 6).
- If you’ve already forgiven and someone sins again, forgive them again (chapter 18).
(That doesn’t mean there aren’t boundaries. You can forgive someone and rightly fire them at the same time. My church might forgive someone who stole the offering, but we probably wouldn’t make him treasurer.)
So two questions for aspiring leaders:
- Have you made your environment safe enough that people are willing to stick their necks out? To paraphrase “The Five Dysfunctions,” will they express fears, frustrations and even failures?
- Where do you need to stick your neck out? Who needs your forgiveness, and who needs your apology?
Seek restoration while there is still time. Trust and teamwork rely on your answers.